Mental Health Check In - Grief, Depression or Overwhelm…? (Pulling myself back from the brink)
I’m desperately tired. So far, this year has been a total sh*t storm. I’m not ashamed to say that I am just one of many people that are struggling to hold it together right now.
Last week my littlest boys finally went back to school for the first time since December. My older son (8) is autistic and my younger (5) also has additional needs, so the past 4 months have been challenging to say the least. I thought I would be happy (actually ecstatic) taking them back into school, but I felt very strange, anxious to leave them there and return home alone.
When I got home, the shock to my system was real.
I walked in and just sat in the stillness for a while. The silence was deafening.
Emotion overwhelmed me, and the tears finally came. I could finally let my guard down and start to process the past few months of total carnage.
I’m not going to lie, so far 2021 has been tough.
Traumatic even.
I sadly lost my wonderful grandad in February which hit me very hard. He had been slowly declining after he contracted Covid-19 at Christmas and, although we knew the time was coming for him to leave us, it was still absolutely devastating when he finally slipped away.
I naively thought I was ready, but I wasn’t.
Grief is a strange beast… and one I should have respected more from the start.
At that time, my inner world came crashing down, but my external world was still very much turning, and I was needed regardless. So, instead of taking time to grieve properly, I put my feelings on hold and juggled home-schooling with working from home and caring for my sons, while trying to rescue my business that was heavily hit by the latest lockdown.
As I continued to show up for everyone else, I slowly withdrew from myself.
I became comfortably numb.
I stepped back from my social channels, stopped writing, and doing the things that usually make me feel better. I went into autopilot. On the outside I functioned and looked the same, but inside I felt empty.
Even with all the mindset tools I have, I couldn’t focus on my emotional wellbeing and empower my mind. I was exhausted on every level. Keeping busy had enabled me to put off facing the truth of how far I had fallen and how emotionless I felt.
So, when my little boys finally went back to school, there was just me, the silence, and the cold truth: I didn’t feel like me anymore — I was frustrated and angry — I was in pain and desperately sad. I was lost.
Is it Grief? Depression? Overwhelm? All of these? Something else?
I don’t know. All I do know for sure is that I want to return ME to myself again, and to do that I need to find a way to start healing.
I’ve realised I must honour my emotions and allow myself to sit in the pain of the past few months and process it. To consciously feel. To breathe.
To be gentle with my feelings, to deal with the numbness and hold myself accountable once more for my actions and inaction. To sleep. Eat better. Move more. Get out into nature. Write from the heart again.
To be ok with not being ok.
I know that I am a work in progress, and not every day will be easy, but the teachings will be powerful, and the journey necessary.
If you are reading this and it resonates, don’t be afraid. Just know there is always light in the darkest of shadows, and you are not alone.
Donna x
#respectmentalhealth
Donna is a mum of 5, Autism Advocate, Writer and Founder of That Beautiful Mind
Mum to a little boy with Autism, Global Development Delay, and Sensory Processing Disorder, Donna created That Beautiful Mind to offer unique SEND products to help parents support their child’s development, communication, and education.
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